L.A. is for haters.

I'm leaving Los Angeles. It is not because of the bum who told me he was going to stab me in the throat today, or the fact that my car was broken into last week. Though these things did not help matters.

It's been a nutty year and a half or so, filled with surreal celebrity encounters, evenings at the Arclight (huzzah) or Grove (boo!), some of the best food of my life (oh Porto's, how I shall miss you), and engagements to ladies. OK, one engagement. To one lady. Whatever.

I am apathetic about the prospect of once again picking up my life and taking it elsewhere. Perhaps it is because Los Angeles has brought my ambitions and passions into more vivid focus, that focus having little to do with Los Angeles. While working with the (usually very cordial) folks of reality TV is amusing for a time, it is the bottom rung of a ladder I have no interest in climbing.

That said, I love lots of things about Los Angeles, and by no means subscribe to the notion that it is inherently more shallow than Manhattan or Paris or Austin or Duluth or any place, really. You can find shitheads anywhere you go. It just so happens that our shitheads belong to the entire world.

And so what follows is a list of songs about Los Angeles, most of which are not particulary affectionate.

* Why You'd Want To Live Here - Death Cab For Cutie
Man... they really hate this place.
* L.A. - Elliott Smith
He killed himself here, so... there's that.
* L.A. Is My Lady - Frank Sinatra
Definitely Frank's worst song. Perhaps the worst song. Ever.
* California - Joni Mitchell
Sure. Whatevsies.
* I Love L.A. - Randy Newman
Often used in montages. I don't think those music supervisors ever listened to the verses.
* Heartattack And Vine - Tom Waits
Tom Waits has many L.A. songs. This is the best. Also full of rancor.
"Don't you know there ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk."
* Los Angeles, I'm Yours - The Decemberists
Awww, they love it here. Wait... "an ocean's garbled vomit on the shore?" Oh, it's another sarcastic one.
* Blue Jay Way - The Beatles
Drugs.
* Screenwriter's Blues - Soul Coughing
Hateful.
* California - Rufus Wainwright
Wow, he's composed this really peppy song that feels good to sing along to, but if you listen to the lyrics they're        about how awful L.A. is. Sarcasm, how novel! ...Sorry for getting "meta".
* Straight Outta Compton - N.W.A.
The song that most directly speaks to my experiences here.
* Hollywood Bowl - Adam Green
Quite possibly not about the Hollywood Bowl at all. How could one tell with lyrics like "Leave me alone, Nobody home, You've a new brand blue magic cold wedding gown"?
* Celluloid Heroes - The Kinks
Fine. Kind of easy, but fine.
* Beverly Hills - Weezer
In the tradition of every L.A. song ever, tongue is planted firmly in cheek.
* Hollywood Freaks - Beck
Perhaps the most sincere song on the list, which is saying something since it comes from an album that was           concieved as a post-modern experiment in fakery.

And finally...
* Fuck Hollywood - Quasi

There are more than a few songs about "California", either in the literal sense or as a vaguely inviting concept, the most beautiful of which is Wilco's "California Stars", with lyrics by Woody Guthrie. But, as much as I might wish otherwise, it has little to do with this list.

I refuse to include that damn Phantom Planet song. Ryan Adams has a few L.A. songs, but he's too drunk for them to mean anything. Steve suggests Jackie Green's "Hollywood", Lyle Lovett's "L.A. County", and R.E.M.'s "Electrolite", the last of which he says is genuinely affectionate. I wouldn't know.

Perhaps my favorite song about Los Angeles, or at least that's what I'd like to think it's about, is Neil Young's "Out On The Weekend". It's haunting, and there's something quietly optimistic about it.

But I think it's also about male prostitution.